Right-Side Up

I got a job last week at a chocolate factory. They told me they would offer me a two week trial to see how it goes, make sure I was a good fit for them and they were a good fit for me. It wouldn't be full time and after the busy chocolate season (November through April) there probably wouldn't be many hours but it was a job and it got me some income so I could move back into the Red House. In the meantime, State Farm Insurance was calling me several times a day trying to get me in for an interview. We've played phone tag for a week trying to get in contact.

I've been stressing for a week whether or not I even want to go in for an interview. I loved the chocolate factory. It was fun. It was new. It was different. State Farm would be job security though. State Farm would be predictable. State Farm would be stable. This morning I got up and had a serious and long conversation with God. What am I supposed to do?? Do you want me here or do you want me there? All I got in response was wait. But I can't wait! I need to get in touch with State Farm as soon as possible! I need to make a move! Wait.

So I waited. This afternoon, right before I left the chocolate factory (as I was planning in my head exactly what I would say to State Farm when I called) the owners pulled me into the office for a quick meeting. "We would like to put you on full-time and give you a raise. Also, we'd like to put you completely in charge of the sugar-free line and there is opportunity for more responsibility in the spring. Any questions?"

Any questions? Yeah I got a few. God, why don't I trust you more?

This is my world back to right-side up.

I think... :)

"Coming Out"

Last week I came across a blog called Sweetly Raw. She's a raw food dessert chef. The blog was so cute and I was immediately curious to see if in fact it was possible to create delicious raw desserts, so I started following it. On Sunday her post was labeled "Coming Out". I assumed I knew what that meant but two paragraphs in I realized she was talking about something quite different. She went on to tell how she's been vegan for over 10 years and in the past 5 months her body had been rapidly going downhill. Finally, at the end of the summer it got so bad she broke down and sought help from a friend that was a homeopathic doctor. After several tests her friend's advice, among other things, was to start incorporating meat into her diet. This was completely contrary to everything she had thought and practiced. It completely flipped her world upside down but the crazy part is, it worked. Her body started working properly. Her health began to slowly return.

And now it's my turn to "come out". I thought I've been doing things right. I thought I was following God. I thought He was leading me to Idaho. Little did I know that two days before leaving, after quitting my job, packing all my boxes and over a month of anticipation, He pressed the breaks, hard. Now it's time for me to go to the Great Physician and get advice. Where do you want me now? As day by day I give it all to Him, I've found it easy to jump into job searching. I'm hopeful. I'm ready. I want to be where He wants me and I'm learning to wait and listen. He had to flip my world upside down to get to me and now I have to be willing to let Him show me how it should look right-side up.

*Deep Breath*

Let go Nicole.

Don't be a control freak.

My Pastor

There are people in life that you have a certain bond with. It's hard to explain. Almost like they are a piece of the puzzle that tells the story of your life. Without them, it wouldn't be right.

My pastor happens to be one of my puzzle pieces. I've known Jim Jacobson since I can remember. He's taught me, encouraged me, teased me, pushed me to think for myself, nicknamed me, pranked me, praised me, questioned me, but above all else loved me. He's a second dad to me and always will be. As a teenager, he was the reason I stayed up til all hours of the night sticking 1000 plastic forks in his front lawn. As an "adult", he's the one I went to the day a boy broke my heart. He sat with me, prayed with me, consoled me, and helped me grasp reality again.

Last week he invited me to coffee. He was curious about my decision to jet off to Idaho and wanted to hear the whole story. He also had some questions he wanted me to mill over and there were things on his heart he needed to share with me. He was open and honest with me and challenged me. At the end of the conversation I had a lot to go home and think about but the one thing he reassured me of was that no matter where I was or what direction I chose, he would be here to love me and support me and pray for me.

Tonight at our Wednesday night church service he spoke a little on his heart reguarding him serving in ministry. He commented that he intends to be around "...to dedicate the children when they are born and bury them when they die. To be there to marry them, counsel them, pray for them..." and so on. The point being, he loves us and wants to be part of each stage of our lives. As he ended our church service he prayed for me and my future in Idaho in front everyone. I wasn't expecting it and it caught me off guard. It touched me. As church ended, I turned and went straight to my car. I cried the whole drive home. I will miss him, deeply.

We are called to bless those who give their lives to serve us. I don't even know where to begin.

Two Weeks Notice

About a month ago, my fellow dreamer and best friend Tessa proposed an idea to me. Idaho. Load up, hightail it out of here and go settle into potato-pickin' life with her relatives over in podunk Idaho. About ten minutes into the conversation we were already on craigslist looking up apartments and jobs in the area. There was never a moment of hesitation about this, what some would call, insane idea.

When I laid in bed that night, letting the excitement overwhelm me, I had one simple prayer; If I'm not supposed to go, Lord open my eyes to a reason or purpose to stay here. I continued that prayer the next few weeks as we planned a weekend trip over to check out the town and visit her family. The trip was a success. I immediately knew it felt right.

Today, I gave my official two week notice at work. In 18 days we'll be packing up and heading to Idaho for our small town adventure. People keep asking why. Why? This is why...

I have a dead end, terrible split-shift schedule job that recently cut my hours in half. I have a reliable car with a full tank of gas. I have no relationship holding me here. I have a nice little nest egg in savings. I have a travel bug. I'm virtually debt free and I'm young and want to get out of my rut before it turns into a grave.

You're only 21 and unhindered once in your life.

Also, in August of 2009 I heard a study done on Numbers 32. I don't know who taught it, I don't know where it was taught but I had written down notes about it and came across them a few weeks back while preparing for our weekend visit. The note that stuck out to me was simply this:

"East of the Jordan was meant to be a resting place and NOT a final destination but they treated it as the destination. There was no major faith challenge by settling east of the Jordan and not pressing on the the promised land."

Idaho may be my promised land or it may just be a resting place until God pulls me another direction, but you can bet your bottom dollar it will be a faith challenge. Starting over won't be easy but I'm not going to let fear override faith. I'm pressing on.

402 days ago...

The last time I wrote a poem was 402 days ago. Over a year ago. As I was sitting flipping through my journal this evening it hit me. You see, the reason this is so astonishing to me is that I write poetry when I feel. When I feel pain, joy, love, excitement, fear, confusion, or all of the above. It's been over a year since I felt something so strongly that I had to get it out on paper. I used to write a poem a month. I'd begun to rely on poetry to get me through the ups and downs of everyday life. But then, all the sudden it stopped. Have I stopped feeling? Have I stopped experiencing life? Or have I lacked anything to be passionate about? I think I've been really stale. I think I've settled for mediocre. I've just drifted along with the waves, not feeling them and not fighting them. But I know for a fact that this is changing. I've begun to crave poetry again because I know I have adventure ahead. I have new scenery ahead. Life is calling. I'm going to jump back in.

Here is the poem I wrote 402 days ago...

"Baby Steps"
You wake me in the morning
With Your kisses so sweet
You wrap me in Your arms of love
And rock me through the week

You give Your time and energy
To make me big and strong
I never see the sacrifice
All the while long

The years go by and disappear
And still Your by my side
You help me comprehend this life
And guide me through each tide

As I look back I realize
What You poured out for me
And wonder in astonishment
How could this ever be?

Curlew Lake & Nachez

What I learned while on vacation...

A good dose of no cell phone, no computer, no instant anything really does a whole world of repair. Try it sometime.

I asked God at the beginning of my trip for one fish a day. Each morning I got up and went to the dock and fished with my dad and my Dad. At the end of seven days I had caught 17 fish. Each morning after catching my one fish I had asked for, I cast out my reel again and told God I didn't expect anymore, one was plenty, but I was gonna leave it out there in case He happen to have another one set aside for me and in the meantime I was gonna spend time with Him and my dad. Give God opportunities. So often we cut Him short. Time runs out or faith runs low. Just let the pot simmer.

I'm extremely blessed to have two brothers who love me unconditionally. Andrew brings me adventure. I had the priveledge of spending most of my vacation with him and his wife. They push me to be silly, to relax, to just roll with the punches. We spend a whole evening in the fishing boat venturing to the hidden coves and quiet spots on Curlew Lake getting tangled in seaweed and dodging logs and stumps. We also spent a day four wheeling in his Jeep, crawling massive walls of rock and exploring the rocky forest with our family and a few friends. He is a breath of fresh air in my life. Jacob brings me laughter. We spend our time at one of the rest stops throwing pea pods at our dad and giggling like we were children again, just waiting for him to get fed up with us. And we spent the whole trip giving each other the look when mom or dad made one of those comments and then bursting into laughter because it's just not worth getting angry.

I can survive tent camping as long as I have a good showerin' in the morning.

A heart shaped rock is so much more than just a heart shaped rock. There was never I time while on vacation that I looked at the ground and didn't see one. He followed me everywhere and did some deep digging in the mess of my heart. He made it look much more lovely. White as snow.

Adult

Sometimes I forget I'm an "Adult". Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I doubt it's truth. Maybe I just fear responsibility but mostly I just don't think I'm ready for it. Or it's not ready for me.

The average person, child or adult, always seems to aspire to be like someone older, more mature, or more sophisticated. And then there is me. I find myself aspiring to be like a kid more and more. I work with kids. I love kids. My life thrives on kids. Maybe this explains my lack of zeal to be an "adult". But I can't help it.

Last night I had the privilege of meeting a friend's seven year old daughter for the first time. She was captivating. She wanted to dance for me. She wanted to tell me all about her big brother and sister. She wanted to share her toys and stories. She wanted to know she mattered. I left last night feeling rested, content and full. My prayer as I lay in bed afterwards was simply this, "Jesus, don't let me forget how to be like that. Don't let me get old and dried up. I want to offer my strength, my beauty. Give me the discernment to know when and how to do that." And that is my prayer today for all the people in my life. Make us children.